How to write a best man speech

• Introduce yourself and how you know him, in one line.
• One story that shows who he is, told properly.
• The turn: what changed when he met his partner.
• Something warm and direct, said to the partner.
• The toast.

That is the whole thing. Speeches go wrong by adding, almost never by leaving out.

Three to five minutes, which is roughly 500 to 700 words. Time it out loud at speaking pace.

Past five minutes you are borrowing the room's goodwill. Past seven you are spending it.

The temptation is to list everything the two of you have ever done. A list is not a story and it does not land.

Choose one story that shows something true about him: his loyalty, his ridiculous optimism, the fact that he will drive anywhere for anyone. Give it a beginning, a middle and one clear point. Everything else you were going to say gets cut, and the speech gets better.

Keep: gentle mockery of things he is happy to be known for, anything his grandmother could hear, and jokes where he comes out of the embarrassment looking loved.

Cut: exes, stag night specifics, anything about money, anything hinting the marriage might not last, and anything you would introduce with "he'll kill me for this".

The test: if the joke needs an apology afterwards, it was never a joke.

The best speeches change gear about two thirds through. You have been funny, and now you are honest.

Say plainly what he is like now, and what his partner brought out in him. Look at the two of them while you say it. This is the part people actually remember.

• Print it in large type on a card. Not your phone.
• Slow down by about a third from your rehearsal pace.
• Look up at the end of a line, never mid-sentence.
• Two drinks maximum before you speak. Every disastrous best man speech in history has the same cause.
• Finish by asking everyone to stand and raise a glass, and say both their names.