Wedding etiquette

A plain-English guide to wedding conventions

These are conventions, not rules. Customs vary a great deal by region, culture and faith, and every one of them has been broken beautifully by someone. Use what helps, ignore what does not fit your day. We start with vows, because they are the heart of the day. For structure, length and promises, our guide to writing your wedding vows walks you through it.

Once you have settled the wording questions, we will help you write the words themselves.

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Vows

Conventions for the words you say to each other. For structure and examples, see our guide to writing your vows.

Who says their vows first?

Traditionally: In many traditional ceremonies for a bride and groom, the groom says his vows first, prompted line by line by the officiant.
More modern: Any order works. Many couples simply decide with their officiant, and some take turns line by line or say one final promise together.
Honestly, it is preference: Tell your officiant the order you want before the rehearsal so nobody hesitates on the day.

Traditional vows or writing your own?

Traditionally: Religious ceremonies often use set vows from that faith, and some traditions require them. The Catholic Church, for example, asks couples to use the approved vows, so personal words are often shared at the rehearsal dinner or reception instead.
More modern: Many couples write their own, or say the traditional vows and add a short personal promise of their own.
Honestly, it is preference: Check with your officiant or venue first, then do whatever sounds most like the two of you.

How long should vows be?

Traditionally: Traditional repeat-after-me vows take well under a minute.
More modern: Personal vows usually run one to two minutes each when spoken aloud, roughly 150 to 250 words. Aim for about the same length as your partner so neither of you feels outdone.
Honestly, it is preference: Longer is not more romantic. One true story and a few specific promises land better than a long list.

Should we share our vows with each other beforehand?

Traditionally: Vows are usually kept secret from each other until the ceremony.
More modern: Many couples agree a rough length and tone in advance, or share them with the officiant only, so the two sets feel matched without spoiling the moment.

Read them or memorize them?

Traditionally: Reading is completely acceptable. Use a card or a small vow booklet rather than a phone.
More modern: Give your officiant a printed copy as a backup, in case nerves or a gust of wind take yours.
Honestly, it is preference: Practise reading them aloud a few times. Familiar is better than memorized.

Invitations: whose name goes first

Which partner is listed first?

Traditionally: For a different-sex couple, the bride's name comes first, followed by her partner's.
More modern: For same-sex couples there is no fixed convention. Common approaches: alphabetical by surname, whichever order sounds better read aloud, or the partner whose family is hosting.
Honestly, it is preference: This is personal preference, not a rule. Pick the order you want to hear all day, because it is usually the order that gets used throughout the ceremony and the stationery.

Invitations: the host line

The host line names whoever is paying for and hosting the wedding.

One set of parents is hosting

Traditionally: Name them: "Mr. and Mrs. Robert Chen request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter..."
More modern: Use first names instead of titles if that fits your families better: "Robert and Anne Chen invite you to celebrate..."

Both families are contributing

Traditionally: Name both sets of parents, usually the bride's parents first, then the groom's, each on their own line.
More modern: "Together with their families" covers everyone without ranking anyone.

The couple is hosting

Traditionally: The host line is simply left off. The invitation opens with the couple's names or a line like "invite you to celebrate their marriage".
More modern: Same answer. Do not use "together with their families" here: it says something untrue about who is hosting.

Divorced, remarried or deceased parents

Traditionally: List each parent's name on its own line, without "and" joining them. A remarried parent is named with their current spouse on that line.
More modern: Many couples sidestep the whole arrangement with "Together with their families", which is gracious and accurate when several households are involved.
Honestly, it is preference: There is no wording that will please everyone. Choose the version that keeps the peace in your family.

Invitations: formal wording

"Honour of your presence" or "pleasure of your company"?

Traditionally: "Request the honour of your presence" signals a ceremony in a house of worship, and the British "honour" spelling is the formal convention. "Request the pleasure of your company" is used for secular venues.
More modern: Plenty of invitations use warmer, plainer phrasing: "invite you to join them", "would love you there".

Numbers, dates and abbreviations

Traditionally: Formal invitations spell everything out: no abbreviations, the date and time written in words, the year spelled out ("the fifteenth of June, two thousand twenty-six, at half after four in the afternoon").
More modern: Modern invitations freely use numerals: "June 15, 2026 at 4:30pm".
Honestly, it is preference: Match the formality of the wording to the formality of the day. Both are correct.

Ceremony

What order do things happen in?

Traditionally: A common order: processional, welcome, readings, officiant's address, vows, ring exchange, pronouncement, kiss, recessional.
More modern: Elements get moved, combined or dropped all the time. Unity rituals, handfasting, family blessings and a ring warming all slot in wherever they fit.
Honestly, it is preference: In an officiant script, the order the couple's names are entered is the order they will be spoken throughout, so enter them the way you want them said.

Toasts

Who speaks, and when?

Traditionally: The host welcomes everyone first (often the father of the bride), then the best man, then the maid or matron of honour, then the couple thank everyone.
More modern: Receptions are flexible, and it is increasingly common for parents from both sides to speak, or for siblings and close friends to take a turn.
Honestly, it is preference: Two to three minutes per toast. Shorter is almost always better, and a short speech that lands beats a long one that wanders.

Save the dates

How far ahead should they go out?

Traditionally: Six to eight months ahead, or eight to twelve months for a destination wedding so guests can plan travel.
More modern: Digital save the dates are entirely normal now, and often go out even earlier for peak-season dates.
Honestly, it is preference: One firm rule: anyone who gets a save the date must get an invitation. Only send them to people you are certain you are inviting.

Now for the words themselves

Answer a few guided questions and get a heartfelt first draft you can edit until it sounds exactly like you.

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